You know the old saying, “You can choose your friends, but you can’t choose your family?” Well, that is indeed true. But what I’ve found over the years and decades is that your family is, or should be, your refuge, your last resort. But what happens when your family – or a family member – goes sideways?
When your brother, sister, son or daughter does something way off base or even wrongs the family in one way or another, what should you do? How should you react? This is something that many folks have had to deal with at one time or another. In fact, it’s something that I’ve personally had to deal with on more than one occasion.
Now, let me tell you just what I’m talking about…
Family hurts the most
The fact is, family members are usually the ones who can do the most damage to us in the most unexpected ways. That’s because, usually, at least for the first part of our lives, we’re very close to our family. We rely on our parents to guide, feed and protect us, and our very first friends are our siblings.
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Now, it’s impossible to address every kind of situation here, so let’s get that straight right now. But from a Life Lessons perspective, I’m gonna talk about some good and important ground rules or wisdom, you might call it, that you might well want to consider. But no matter if you take what I say here on board or not, just know that your family is a very rare commodity on this earth. You only have one mother, one father, and a very limited number of brothers and sisters.
Still, or maybe because of that fact, the most hurt and disappointment often comes from your family. Somebody once said that, “no one can hurt you like your family can.” That is often the case in life.
And I’m not just blowin’ smoke about this, either. I understand what family disappointment and emotional pain is firsthand. I know what it feels like to have a family member do something so inappropriate and so damaging that it literally threatens to tear the family apart.
How do you handle such hurt, disappointment, destruction, and in some cases, blatant disregard by another family member? How do you forgive the person or persons who you thought would never, could never, hurt you so badly?
If a friend caused you such emotional and/or financial pain, would it break the friendship? It just might. If that were the case, would it – should it – cause you to break ties with a family member?
Don’t let your emotions rule you
In some cases, the answer might be to do just that. But in most cases, we respond to being hurt with vengeful statements, hurtful actions or both. Again, I’ve been in family situations where I could be easily justified doing both of those things. But, I didn’t. Doesn’t feel good in the moment to not vent emotions, but it’s wise counsel.
You know why? I learned along time ago not to make decisions, take actions or even to speak my mind in the middle of an emotional situation. When tempers and emotions are running high, that’s when the damage that caused the problem in the first place is often made worse – not better – by how the family reacts.
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This doesn’t mean avoiding talking about it or confronting the person; that has to be done at some point. But the thing I’m talking about is not to let the situation trigger a rash, emotional response, even though that’s just how you feel and your feelings are justified! (I rarely use an exclamation point, but in this case, I want drive this point home to you.)
Why do I say this?
Because good outcomes rarely occur in the heat of the moment, do they?
Change the context
The second reason I say this is because you need some time to change the context of the discussion. The offense must be acknowledged, of course, and restitution or some other remedy must be found.
But, when you change the context of the discussion from the heat of the moment into one of understanding and asking the person what motivated them to do what they did, you won’t need to accuse that person. In the vast majority of cases, they know what they did or said. If they don’t, tell them clearly and calmly.
By asking why, you will get to the root of the problem, which may be something completely unrelated to the act itself. Even if it isn’t, there is clarity. You then express the impact of the offense upon you and the rest of the family, if you can speak for them.
Reduce the pressure on the offender
If the person – say a son or a daughter – feels pressure or stress, try to reduce it. It may not be easy, but the goal must always be reconciliation in one way or another. It may not be immediate, but just because no common ground is found, ask yourself and the offending family member if the disagreement should be cause for more conflict than it’s already caused.
And by the way, it’s very important that you mean this part. This doesn’t come easy. That’s why, in most cases, you must take time between the offense and your response. Your emotions are important and your feelings matter as much as anyone else’s. But the time to address those is later, not sooner.
I call this the ‘hot stove reaction.’ Last time I burnt my hand on a hot stove was when I was 11 years old. What did I do? Well howdy, I sure didn’t leave my hand on it, did I? You can bet
I pulled my hand off that burner right quick. I didn’t stick around to scream at the stove, either. I went to the sink and ran cold water over the burn and rubbed butter on it to cool it down. My immediate reaction was to remedy the situation and avoid more damage.
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Why do I say all of this? Because, as you will most likely come to understand from talking your family member, their need is at least as big, if not much bigger, than their offense. Ask yourself, “Would you trade places with your brother or sister?” The answer should give you some comfort and perspective.
Forgiveness is the key
Do this regardless of whether they “deserve” it. That’s the whole point of forgiveness; the person you’re forgiving doesn’t deserve it. That’s why they need it.
Then ask yourself what can you give that person to help them? Can you help unwind the severity of the offense? If not, can you at least bring some much- needed calm to the family storm that is going on around the person? One thing you can do, if you truly want to help, is to forgive the family member, no matter how bad the offense might be.
The reasons for forgiving the offending family member are many. You don’t forget about the offense, but you try to minimize the damage to the family. Forgiveness helps with this. It helps the offending family member (even if they say they don’t want it). It helps you by lifting the burden of anger and resentment, and it helps the family as a whole. If you lead the way, some or all may eventually follow your example.
Don’t be smug
One thing to be careful of is to not ‘lord’ your forgiveness over that person. They’re not free to become the better person they need to become
if you’re there to always remind them of what they’ve done and how you were gracious enough to forgive them for it. That’s not forgiveness, that’s smugness, and that never helped anybody.
Now, what if you are the offending family member? If you are, you need to apologize in person to each family member if reasonably possible. Otherwise, call them. Email should be a last resort. Write a letter before you email.
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Then, you need to do three things:
- Ask how can you make amends, and
- Ask for their forgiveness and mean it, and
- Don’t make excuses for your actions
When you do this, the burden of the offense will be lifted from you and your family will greatly appreciate it. It gives the process of reconciliation to begin. This process of forgiveness doesn’t always work right away, but it does work for you, and it may well serve to bring the family closer than you’ve been in years.
