When I was a young blade, I got a life lesson that I’ve never forgotten. It has served me well and I think it will serve you well, too. In my early days, I was a tad too slow about thinking about how my words and deeds affected other people.
Well, one day I was out shopping with my new wife when I ran into a gal I’d dated in high school. She was alone and looking just as beautiful as ever. (Not as beautiful as the Missus, mind you, but not hard on the eyes, either.) There wasn’t anything irregular about it – we just plumb ran into her in the cereal aisle.
Well, we chatted for a moment or two and then said our good-byes. That was it. At least it was in my mind. What I didn’t know was that the young Mrs. McCoy had a slightly different take on the whole situation… As soon as we were in the car headed home, man did she let me have it!
Actions mean more than words
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Thing of it was, my young wife informed me that a pleasant, “nice to see you” would have been just fine. But to spend another couple of minutes “catching up”, as she put it, was disrespectful to her and to our marriage. She then told me flat out that she was in no mood to be married to me at that time.
“Whoa Nelly,” I thought, “what in the thunder is all this about?”
Well, let me tell you, things went from bad to worse between us for the next few days. I was miserable! And so was she, but for a different reason. I felt like a clueless idiot and she was questioning everything about me – and us. You see, what felt like a minute or two to me as we talked about old mutual friends, felt like an hour to her. I made her feel less important.
Different perspective mean different perceptions
Now, I gotta be honest here; I didn’t see it like that. It wasn’t like I planned to run into that person, or anything. It just happened.
But after spending a few days defending myself, I finally got a clue and looked at the whole rodeo from her point of view. I thought of how I would feel if the tables were turned. Truth is, I wouldn’t like it all, not one little bit. Once I looked at things from that perspective, I realized what a boneheaded move I’d made.
Problem was, I didn’t know quite what to do about it.
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Admit your fault
One thing I knew that I could do right away was to admit that I had been wrong. Any man worth his salt can do that. So I said so. She listened to me, and I tried to give her a hug, but the magic wasn’t there.
I tried to explain that my intentions weren’t to embarrass her or to make her feel bad. I also tried to get her to see things from my point of view. But you know what? None of that mattered. Feelings aren’t always based on reason and let’s be honest, we all have our insecurities. I knew then that there were more than a few strays still out in the meadow. I had more work to do to make things right between us.
Acknowledge the pain you’ve caused
Well, I then took it to the next level. I told her that I knew I had caused her pain and had hurt her deeply and apologized. Again, those weren’t my intentions, but that was the result of my actions. I knew that I had to get to what mattered in all of this, and what mattered to me most were my wife’s feelings. Not mine, but hers.
A good point to remember here is that intentions don’t count for much when the results are so devastating. Intentions alone won’t do the trick, that much I knew. After all, the road to you-know-where is paved with them, as the saying goes.
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Do whatever it takes
Once I got to that point, I had to figure out my next move. I had run out of words to say and they hadn’t been enough. I couldn’t put my finger on it at the time, but I knew in my own awkward way that the human heart has its own measure of truth. I would have to find a way back into her heart that I had wounded so deeply.
Now, at the time, we didn’t have much money between us and that’s being kind to the situation. We were living lean on military pay. A dinner out was something we just didn’t do, unless it was to a fast food joint. But that just wouldn’t do and I knew it.
A few month’s earlier, I’d gotten a beautiful acoustic guitar from my folks for my birthday. It was my pride and joy. But you know what I did? I took that beautiful guitar down to the pawnshop and got around $200 dollars for it. I then took my wife out to a very nice dinner.
Quiet moments are important – don’t force the issue
When we pulled up to that fancy restaurant, her eyes ‘bout popped out of her head. I knew she was thinking, “What’s this idiot gone and done now? We can’t afford this.”
When I handed the keys to the valet, she knew I was serious and got out of the car. “What are you doing?” she said as we were shown to our table. I looked into my young wife’s eyes and said, “Whatever it takes.”
She didn’t say a word, but reached out squeezed my hand. She’s a darn sight smarter than I ever thought of being and I knew she’d figured out where I got the money. She knew what it had taken for me to get us there. She finally knew that I was sincere.
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The waiter poured our wine and the look in her eyes told me everything I needed to know. She smiled that smile that had made me fall in love with her in the first place. I realized in that very moment that we didn’t need to beat that dead horse any longer. In fact, we didn’t need to speak much at all.
She just called the waiter over and asked for the bill. I paid for our drinks and the valet and we took a long walk along the river arm and arm. Well, I don’t have to tell you that things went quite a bit better from there on out. (I also got my guitar back.)
Love heals
I learned a very valuable lesson in all of this. Words are important; it’s true. But, when it comes to the very important things, especially between those we love, often healing emotional wounds takes actions that you ordinarily wouldn’t think of doing.
You see, it all has to do with love. I had caused her to doubt my love for her, even though I had no idea I was doing so. That’s a hard knot to untie. Doubt in love is like a shadow that only grows darker over time; you gotta do whatever it takes to remove it.
That means performing an act of love for the one who needs to see it. I found out that love meant making a sacrifice so that my bride would know that I meant it. The only action I could think of was to do what I did. Yep, it took me a few times round the track to figure that out, but I got ‘round to it in the end.
